Wednesday, April 01, 2009

My broken dream

When I was young I never really wanted to be anything but a mommy. I love kids and really just wanted to find a life where I could be a stay at home mom. I dreamed of having three or four kids close enough in age that they would all be able to play together and have a lot of the same friends. Now I know our dreams as kids often change or it becomes apparent that we were not being realistic about our lives, but that is exactly what I wanted.

I met my husband when we were twelve or thirteen and have loved him ever since. I did have a few years in my life where I left and did some really stupid things and made a bunch of bad decisions, but I would never change a thing. Don and I are who we are now because of the things that we have been through in our lives and I love who we are together. I often think that we would have taken for granted our love for each other if we had not had our separation. I learned during that time what not to do and how I wanted to be loved. Don has always loved me like that. We got back together one weekend when I had come home from up North to visit and his mom had called him to tell him I was in town. He came back to Ojai to see me. I think both of us knew right then and there that we would be forever.

So one night he had me over to make me dinner because I had kind of a hard day at work. He cooked me really good pasta and was so sweet to me. He got down on one knee and purposed to me but when he opened the ring box there was a fruit loop in the box!! Earlier in our relationship I had told him I would marry him even if he gave me a fruit loop. So he did!!Then after we laughed I ate it and he told me to reach under the table and get my real ring.

We got married at the top of beautiful Elings park in Santa Barbara on the most beautiful day in October and it was like a fairy tale. We have so much fun together, we laugh, we just enjoy each other. We both worked hard for the first few years of our marriage and then decided to think about starting a family. After awhile of complications we found out that I was pregnant and at 8 weeks we lost the baby. It was devastating to say the least. A few months later we got the okay to start trying again and within the first few months we got pregnant. Toward the end of my pregnancy we decided that I could be the stay at home mom I had always wanted to be.

Joseph was(is) an amazing child, he did everything early. He walked at 10 months and but walked I mean he ran!! Time flies even faster when you have children. months begin to feel like days and he grew so fast. I loved every moment I got to spend with him. (Now here comes the dream I was talking about earlier)When Joseph was about 10 months old we decided that we would start trying to have another baby. This time we got pregnant again and were so excited because Joseph and the baby would be 18 months apart and it would be PERFECT. At 8 weeks right before my drs. apt we miscarried again. that morning I was alone I remember crying in the shower asking why again, why me and how could this happen again. I tried to call my husband but he was out playing golf and I wanted him to enjoy it. Anyway after that we decided to just let life happen.

Right before our 5th anniversary we found out that we were pregnant again. this time I had a prefect pregnancy no problems no complications. When Micah was born he was beautiful. Different than Joe, he cried and screamed it was awesome. Joseph just looked around when he was born quiet and calm. At two months our world changed forever and my dream was broken. We were told that something was wrong with Micah. It wasn't until he wound up in the hospital at 5 months that they got it right and we knew that our baby wasn't going to be a normal healthy child.

So long story longer, last night we were watching Marley & Me and it hit me hard how broken my dream was. The husband and wife have three beautiful kids 2 boys and 1 girl, the boys were sitting by each other on the bus talking and I just started crying and my poor husband asked why I was crying. All I could say was "that is what I wanted for Joe." I wanted him to have a brother that he could play with and have fun with and run with and wrestle with and I know now that that will never happen. I try not to think like that but in my heart I can't help it. I love my family more than anything and it hurts that Micah is sick.


Anonymous said...

Oh Chels, I wish there was some way I could change all of this for all of you.
I do know blessings come in many different forms. You and Devo know the true meaning of enjoying every precious moment of life with your family more than alot of us will ever even come close to knowing. The utmost joy that comes with every breath, every smile, every soft sigh is something most of us don't experance. Because we are so busy with the "big" things in life we forget just how precious those sweet "litle" things are. We Love you guys. From one mothers heart to another, Anita

Rachel Tenpenny Crawford said...

I know you you feel. Your broken dreams and broken heart are too much to bear. It hits you sometimes just how life altering it all is. And it isn't just about Micah, it is about Joe too...and you and Don...and so many others that love that little boy and had hopes and dreams intertwined with him. I wish I could tell you why or that some day it will make sense...but I can't and it won't. Nothing will ever make up for losing Micah nor will your get your dreams back. But God can heal your heart and Joe can have a sibbling, but it will be in a different way than you thought. And you will have new dreams. I still hurt so much. It takes a lot of time to work through something so painful. But you will at your own pace. And I will help you. I love you and pray for you daily. -Rachel

Chet and Kat said...

We are praying for you, Don and Chelsea. We are so sorry for the trials you have had to endure and we pray that God will give you strength and that He will absolutely wrap His arms around you all. We are here if you need ANYTHING at all, out in Somis, not to far from y'all. Love,
Chet and Kat

Anonymous said...

I know we haven't had the pleasure of meeting yet, but someday soon I hope to be able to meet you. I can understand what you are saying when you talk about the anger you felt when miscarrying two children. I also did that. Eleven years ago I found out I was pregnant (6 months along). For some reason I kept having my regular cycle and never even thought that I was pregnant. The only thing that made me wonder was that my breast had begin to get really sore. After going to the doctor they said I was pregnant. At that time I thought great...thinking I had just gotten pregnant. Then I went for my first OB appt. and found out I was actually six months along. Not only did I find out I was pregnant, but I also found out that my HCG's were not right. They gave me meds and made me do light duty at work to be sure I would carry the baby. My second visit found not one, but two babies. I was so excited. I was 32 years old and couldn't wait for a baby. Then after carrying them for the six months that I didn't know about plus another 5 weeks that I did know about they were gone. I actually went into labor, and had a boy and girl. They never made it. The boy was not developed past the six month stage and the girl was not developed past 6 3/4 month stage. To make a long story short...I miss them every day. I have not wanted to go through that again. It is not something that you can get over easily, but it does get better. Be very thankful that you have Joseph and he is healthy and know that Micah will be with you until it is time for him to go "home". God never puts anything on you that you can't handle sweetie.

Now on another note....when you speak of you and Don. I feel the same way about Bobby. I met Bobby almost 4 years ago and he is a gift from God for me. I had been in a very abusive relationship before him for 14 years. I finally woke up one day and said enough is enough. When I finally decided to end it and get a divorce I thought I would never be the same. Then about 6 months after my divorce I met Bobby. He was saved for me by God. He is a 3 time cancer survivor and I cherish him dearly. Just thought you would like to hear a little bit about my trials through life. We all have them, but we will all survive them.

Love to you and Don,
Lisa and Bobby (VA)

Anonymous said...

Chelsea, your blog gets me everytime. Your life and strength are so touching and inspiring. I know God has a great plan for your family and I want you to know that sharing your heart and being vulnerable is what gives others the strength and perspective to face trials of their own. None of this will be in vain...God has so much for you and I know that you know how very much He loves you and little Micah. Never be afraid and never give up hope in the Lord...We are still praying for you! Be strong and take courage Is.41:10. You're in our hearts, Vanessa Poorboy

Provl8dy said...

I can so relate to what you are saying in this blog. More than you probably know. Standing back and seeing life as it is versus life as you imagined it would be can be quite unsettling. Yet we know that in all things God is working...He is working.

I have wanted to share something with you for a long time but the opportunity had never come up till now. When I was at the Living Hope Orphanage two years ago, there was a moment when I looked around and realized that I was surrounded by 60+ children who could now smile and laugh because your husband was obedient to the task God has set before him. And you are his helper in all of those things as well. The kids talk about Devo as if he were Jesus because to them he is Jesus fleshed out. Not because he is their idol but because he saved them when there was nothing in it for him. He (in a sense like Abraham) has become their father. A father of many and that makes you a mother of many. In a very real and spiritual sense, you are the mother to about 74 kids in Uganda. I pray that one day you are able to go and meet those precious kids that pray diligently for you, Don, Joseph and Micah. They love you so much. I am not saying this should ease your pain but I wanted to share that to encourage you that you are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses both in the States and in Africa. And we are beseeching the Lord on your behalf. And the growth in your walk is palatable and I am confident that God has a purpose and is not done showing His glory in and through you. My dear sister, you are suffering well. Wait and see the glorious things God will do. Amanda

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